The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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