The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
