i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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