I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
