we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
