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Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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