I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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