Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
