if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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