just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
