pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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