Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
