She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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