When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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