took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
