maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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