I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
