he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
