Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
