party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
