I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
