I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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