weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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