Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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