so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
