You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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