Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
