i can't believe i had my finger in that
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
