3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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