life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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