Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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