You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize