My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
