Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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