$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So gin and wine won't be happening again
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
