So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
