Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
