i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Randomize
