i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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