Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
