i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I have surprise drugs for everyone
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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