Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize