Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This beer is not sobering me up at all
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize