Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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