I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
