Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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