Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize