he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Banned from zoo.
Again?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
