I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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