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I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
