Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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