Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
