your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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