I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm bleeding and have questions
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
