so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Houston, we have a squirter
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize