I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
